I always desired
to disappear
wing and prayer
ride wild horses over sandy beach
descend upon the shipwreck
wrestle demons
alone always alone.
Battle this and battle that,
win, lose or draw.
Then one day I just slipped
right out the door,
no word to a living soul,
just walked away,
as so many had done before,
but it was my time.
I vanished on a wing,
forgot the prayer, but I did ride
those wild horses
to the shipwreck on the shore.
I wrestled the demons,
nobody cared
for years no one cared.
I didn’t even mind that they
were oblivious to my pain,
I didn’t really note their true disdain for me,
and I had tunnel vision anyway.
Same ship, same shit,
different day and every day.
But then one time in the midst of battle
he appeared, and he cared.
Under a Trojan blue sky,
I spied him on the edge,
the sunlight blazed
he flittered a mere moment
silhouette, whisper, vapor and breath
yet somehow I knew
the shadow would soon take form.
I argued, screaming against
the one who torments most,
and he was winning,
yet still I would not relent in the pursuit,
every time he screamed, “Yield!”
I hit him some more,
with his truth, with his lies,
with his alibis;
I’m the craziest girl alive!
The clouds covered the sun
the stranger, the handsome stranger
he stood on the edge of the boat
walking with meticulous precision
on the lip of eternity and yesterday.
The lip on the crevasse was greedily eaten
by time and sea, this edge of ruin, mere ethereal lip, a bit like time ravishing me,
still he stood, poised
moving, danced, dancing
perhaps even prancing
on the edge of my terror
on the edge of that rusty relic.
As I faced my tormenter,
the sender of all things terrible,
the handsome stranger leapt from rusty lip
touched lightly down beside me in the sand
almost a ballerina in grace
masculine in execution.
I looked away from the tormentor to the stranger and in that blind second
the tormentor gained another small victory,
but I was oblivious at the time.
The handsome stranger, Jade,
and though he never spoke it so, his name,
I knew it just the same.
Jade is tall, very tall, straight long hair
falling down beyond broad shoulders,
and his shoulders strong.
Fiery green alive and lime
flashing from sea-jade eyes.
Eyes shining a look of contentment,
of peace but also of deep mystery,
I fall immediately into
the intense energy he projects.
He raises his hand
gently touches my face,
and his touch, the touch
warmth, the sensuous sensations
springing from his hand to my face
to lips, to chest to other places
I’d never noticed before.
Yeah I’d heard about it
I was just a girl of sixteen
what I’d missed by lack of experience
I gained from Jade in a heartbeat.
Jade gently breathed to me
placing a hand on either side my face.
Jade tenderly kisses my forehead
my eyes, my nose, my chin
bringer of mouth to mine
he tastes like home
breathing sounds like home
eyes look like home
embrace feels like home
scent of home
not Daffodil home
but home of old spices.
I quite thought I’d fancy to die
right there in that moment
never breathe again
nor speak, nor feel, nothing
just pass away into his euphoria
forever.
As I remain
locked into his gaze
oh those eyes of his
I continue tasting
his gaze
his look
sweet to taste.
During the moments
he satiated every desire
my rapture.
I suddenly realize
the waves crashing
against our shipwreck
yet shipwreck
it is no more.
Jade opened his arms
released me from whatever
it was that I experienced
(there is no name for such a thing)
I took survey of the fact
we were now on the high sea
no land in sight
no storm on the horizon
just calm.
The ship in all her glory
and I move at home to the fore
gazing down upon figurehead
montage
Aphrodite and Venus
yet an angel’s face
of innocence
and her name Jade called
Tempus Omnia Revelat.
“See the scales of justice
in her hand,” Jade cries
I had not noticed these
dishes of measure.
When I did I wondered
how the storming oceans
had not smashed such
delicate fixtures
against the
crashing plunder of the ship.
As if he’d read my mind,
Jade whispered to me:
“It cannot be, for justice will always
mete her justice, nothing earthly
ever could diminish her scales
even as unevenly balanced they be.”
I stared down again
my head on such an angle
as to fancy I may well
tumble overboard.
Again, as if with secret access
to my mortal secret meandering
he stated that that too cannot be.
I am not here to tumble off
to spiral down, to be beguiled
in sadness
fear
nor to meet personally
the hands of destruction.
A gentle breeze
wafts the elegant tendrils
of my hair
fairy-like in my face
but Jade tempers the fairy dance
of hair with a gentle hand.
Again he leans very gently into me
as if to become one
as humanly possible
and his mouth nears mine
he questions
how much I want.
I ask him what he means?
His hot breath on my mouth
races my blood
through my body
final destination.
Desire for him burned in me
like a fire, and of this he knew
yet said nothing.
He simply repeated his words
and still I stood there completely and utterly dumbfounded by the question.
“Vengeance,
how much do you want,
how far are you willing to go?”
Vengeance,
was that what I was seeking?
I really didn’t know.
I looked to the deck while I pondered,
then up into his beautiful face
his amazing eyes
and I told him
because I could not lie
that it was not vengeance
I sought, but rather justice.
Jade said that I could have
whatever I wished, but that
his heart was glad
I had chosen justice.
Revenge leaves such a bad taste
in your heart and a
heaviness in your soul.
Justice, however, is the longer path
the harder road to walk
as I was soon to find out.
Jade led me to the stern of the ship
there, tied to the wheel of the ship
was bound the tormenter
the creature I battled
on the rusty relic
at the shores of the beach.
The beach across which I had ridden
those beautiful wild horses.
Jade vanished
below deck
leaving me standing
facing my tormenter.
The tormenter did its job
with its leer, with its laugh
with great cheer
with the stains on its taloned paws
its worded weapons.
Deadly tongues.
Chains bound it.
It lurched with the slam of the wheel
. its body stretched hideously
each turn of the wheel
its great feet locked to the deck.
Supernatural strength
supernatural threat
I listened to its bones snapping
the creature felt no pain.
I felt no pleasure
in its suffering.
I felt neither satisfaction nor pity.
Jade appeared on deck
in his hands he carried
a slab of rotting meat
I stifled a cry and moved away from him
my attention caught by a swirling
in the waters flashing.
I looked into the jade ocean
they swam, thrashing
huge sharks deadly and rambunctious
white as snow on inverted mountains
icebergs hanging in the sky
eyes black, dead black
lifeless black, pure evil.
Jade called me to him
away from the edge
edge of life edge of death
for it was not yet time
but time for what?
Jade did not say.
So I went away from the edge
toward Jade, feeling safe
remembering his touch
his taste, his smell, his sound
and that I could respond
so easily to his voice.
I felt some confusion
yet he said to let it be.
I moved close to him
I noticed for the first
he towered over me
yet I felt protected
safe in the knowledge
his amazing strength.
Jade leaned into me
he placed the slab of meat
within my embrace
as if it were more precious than rubies
more fragile than crystal
as though he feared I might drop
the rancid, vile thing
causing it further harm.
Vapors rose from the rotting thing
my eyes watered and my bile churned
hated filth, monstrous stench
who could love such a thing
in word or deed?
Jade whispered
the first step to justice had begun
yet I still lacked understanding
understanding to suggest justice.
My hands held something cold
slimy, devoid of life
I noticed a peculiar warmth
into the palms of my hands.
I looked into Jade’s eyes
and his silence returned my eyes
to my hands
I was holding a baby.
"Place it upon the deck," Jade said.
The baby lay on the deck of the ship
I looked to Jade for an explanation
he indicated the baby
it grew before my eyes
I saw that it was a girl
she grew from baby, to toddler
as she neared five years of age
I began to recognise her.
i had seen her somewhere before but the recognition was vague and fleeting at best and as the child reached six i saw that her fingers were broken and i began to feel ill at ease as uncomfortable as i felt i could not take my eyes from her and though i felt i knew her i did not completely recognise her that fleeting memory the dream within a dream the one thing you are desperate to grasp yet cannot fathom and suddenly i noticed she was nine then i knew who she was...
Raven haired, blue eyed innocence
she ran to Jade, smiling, and he scooped her up into his massive embrace. He held her to him for the longest while, and she looked to me from the corner of her eye, and she leaned away to look into his face.
While she looked into his eyes
I too did the same, and he whispered
very gently
“Tempus Omnia Revelat"
and in that moment
both the child and I
knew exactly what he meant.
Jade gently placed the child upon the deck
she turned to face the one who torments most
it gazed at her with disdain
the devil and pure angel in white.
I noticed in those moments
scars appear upon her unripe body
everywhere, on every part of her body
the most revolting scars caused through
most-violent deeds, vile acts
bestowed upon the girl
before
memory
after she could remember
and then some.
I looked to Jade
he wept
and I looked to the tormentor
he laughed
the little girl backed away from Jade
from the tormentor
away from me
from all
everything.
She returned
to the very place I placed her
as she did, she regressed
quite quickly
to that which she began
In those moments
she never once averted her gaze
from the tormenter.
Before I had time to grieve the most grievous, Jade leaned into me telling me to look down at my hands, and once again, there it was, vile, rotten, stinking.
The dead meat
writhing with vigorous maggots
alive and dead
cycle vicious.
Jade took my arm
led me to the very edge
where violent fish and violent waters
thrashed against life itself.
Throw it in.
I refused
I would not
I could not
I could never throw to the
carnivorous creatures
that which obviously
held so much potential
I still did not grasp
what was truly going on.
“Throw it away,” Jade commanded.
“I promise you
it is the right thing to do.”
So I threw her down to the waiting mouths
I watched it fall
an eternity toward destruction
and as it neared the water
it again took on the form
of a lost little girl
and she screamed
and I screamed.
I screamed as I realised
what I had done
and the tormentor laughed
like he’d never laughed before
gleefully, despising, thinking he had won.
Jade heard her
despite the tormenter’s laughter
and like lightening flashing in the sky and as fast, Jade was airborne
he scooped the child high above the water
he brought her to the side of the ship
I watched breathless as the child
took the form of a dove
he released her
I did not see to where she went.
The tormenter laughed
until Jade commanded silence
it now appeared to have learned fear of Jade.
He took me by the hand
led me to the middle of the deck
only a few feet from the tormenter
he asked me, “What did you see?”
I did not know what I had seen
perhaps it was all a dream?
I asked him though
why a child would be made
from something so wretched?
“The child did not start out that way,
the beginning was the end
and the end was the beginning.
The end I placed into your hands,
you watched her go to the beginning,
but when it
(and he pointed to the tormenter)
got hold of her, he reduced her to what lay in your hands to begin with, the end.”
I was confused
Jade addressed my confusion.
“The girl was reduced to what lay in your hands at the beginning, which was her end, because that’s how he saw her, that’s how he treated her. Now her end shall be his end, except you have been given the chance to escape the end, you do not have to view her in the same way as he does. You have seen what she really is, what she should have always been.”
Jade turned from me to
pierce the tormenter with his voice.
“YOU!”
He pointed his finger at the tormenter
voice crashing thunder
a boom crash opera in the sky
“What you sowed, now you shall reap.”
The tormenter shook free of its chains
rocked by an unseen force
lifted high into the air
plummeted clear over the railing
off the left side of the ship.
I ran to watch
I had to see for sure that he was gone
I watched it fall in the form of the
rancid wretched meat
it hit the water and was immediately and thoroughly devoured by the sharks.
Frothing red foam.
It uttered no sound in its destruction
it was gone
I knew the tormenter
would torment me
no longer.
Jade approached me
he leaned in close to me
his mouth met mine
I closed my eyes
slipped into the euphoria
his taste, smell, touch, sound
I closed my eyes that time.
After a while
I became aware
the sea was not as loud
I opened my eyes
and Jade stepped away.
I was back on the sand
at the shipwreck
I watched Jade walk toward
the edge of the rusty relic.
At the edge he leapt
as graceful as his arrival
the maneuver effortless.
I looked to the sand
for a moment
I looked to Jade
she was there
at his side
I watched him
take her little hand.
She was about nine years of age
I thought again that I knew her.
They waved, and Jade spoke.
“Don’t be sad, no more he is gone.”
Then Jade looked to
the raven-haired pure girl child
eyes of clear sparkling Trojan blue
she giggled as they leapt
off the side of that rusty relic
I was not sad to see them go
I did not wonder where they had gone
I was just happy.
Just as I realised
I was feeling happier
than I had ever felt
in a very long time
the sun moved
away from the clouds
I could see clearly.
I heard someone speaking
far away, from a vast and
strange land.
“Catatonic, since she was nine,
and we’ve never been able
to break through, but today, today she springs back to life, why?”
I looked to the horses, but the horses were gone, and I looked to the edge of the ship, and the ship was gone. All about me was white, stark white, and it felt cold and just as I was about to panic, I saw Jade, and he told me to close my eyes, so I closed my eyes, and he took my hand, and I went away with him.
I will not return to the whiteness, to the voices, to the other tormenters I have yet to battle, I will stay with Jade. He smells like home, he tastes like home, his breathing sounds like home, his embrace feels like home, and when I look into his eyes I quite fancy to die right there in that moment, never breathe again, nor speak, nor feel, nothing, just pass away into his euphoria forever, and forever. Amen.
Jade
by Sarah Connor
©2005
